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Well, the Grammys were actually pretty amazing, thanks to Lady Gaga, Pink, Mary J. and Beyonce (in that order).

And Snooki was there! And the Situation! The cast of "Jersey Shore" is extending their fifteen minutes, for sure.

Snooki at the Grammys! I love how that sounds. I am hoping against hope she will somehow make it to the Academy Awards, too. Imagine her, once again, decked out in skintight, lavender ABS by Allen Schwartz. I dream about her jacked up on Southern Comfort and Mountain Dew, accosting Kate Winslet in the ladies room to tell her how much she loved "Titanic." Or teaching a tipsy Helen Mirren how to do the poof. Or using her hot pink acrylic fingertips to help Nicole Kidman blink.

I love it. I loved the show, I loved the cast, and not because they were tragic train wrecks who made me feel better about my own life, which I know is the regular M.O. to ensnare us reality TV addicts. At first, maybe, but then I realized these kids aren't tragic - that honor goes to the sad cast of the depressing and exploitative "Celebrity Rehab". They are just adorably clueless about current fashion trends and basic life skills for independent adults (how a bunch of self-professed proud Italians don't know how to peel garlic just fascinates me). But, for all their yelling and fighting, they turned out to be a pretty sweet and harmless bunch (how endearing was Pauly D. when he told a lovelorn Snooks that he understood how hard it was to find a good man, and that's why he dates women?). And for all the manipulating, oiling and grooming of their flesh, they are all oddly asexual, which made them somehow very likable. You know that all Ronnie and Sammy really wanted to do, after that first "smush", was cuddle, she in her little girl pajama bottoms and he in anything that would fit his 'roidy cartoon body. And for all her drunken groping of no one in particular, Snooki turned out to be a first-base-only kind of girl. Vinnie was too sensible to have sex on TV (plus, his mother would kill him) and as for the Situation and Pauly D., their relentless search for anyone to bring home had nothing to do with sex drive and everything to do with low self-esteem, and the panic that sets in for very attractive people in their late 20's when they realize that their attractiveness is not actually going to propel them anywhere in life, and they have no Plan B in place.

And, as for J.Wowww.... my heart goes out to this tangled mess of ripped up polyester, inflated boobs, and Walmart hair extensions. I think she is actually the one exception in the house - she wants sex all the time and will be making a career in the sex business within the next couple of years. I will not be watching. But I wish her the best, along with the rest of the Jersey Shore cast. And I'm sure they don't give a shit what I wish them, since they are now making more money than they can ever count. But word to the wise, guys - if you really want to be objectified as sex objects, you gotta lose the white plastic hair clips, the clip-in hair, the orange skin, the 'roidy bodies, the revolting Guido haircut, and you must never, ever wear Ed Hardy again. But I hope you stay exactly as you are. You're true stars on the rise, and you're not going to have time for sex, anyway.

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